Long Time No Update

You might not have noticed, but it's been some time since I updated - no it's true, it really is. I've received plenty of angry, desperate and sad e-mails from fans begging, threatening and bribing me to write more. Are you really that interested in my life and what I do?

... no wait, that was a dream. I guess you aren't.


Oh well, whatever.

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I did promise myself a long time ago that my blog wouldn't be one of those that end after twelve updates, or is regularly inactive for months at a time. At the same time, I promised myself that I wouldn't take this too seriously, just using it to have a bit of fun and push my opinions and thoughts on hapless strangers lost in the labyrinthine passages of the blogosphere. Needless to say, my selves are all in riot for how this is going to work. I'm glad we're all friends. I mean, all my selves.

As many of you know (technically, even if ALL of you knew, you could still hardly be called "many") I've been in the army, doing my required military service. Truth is, while all male Norwegians are supposed to serve at least one year in the armed forces, only a fraction are called in these days. It's a mix of politics and economics.

My initial plan was to update after the end of the recruit period, when we were granted internet access in the barracks, however lousy it was. This would coincide with my 20th birthday, so that would make a great occasion to update.

That did not happen.

It's now been four months of undocumented military service, and a lifeless blog. I say that this must be remedied.

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Without giving too much away, I'll talk a bit about where I serve, and what I do.

This is the emblem of the Norwegian 2nd Battalion, comprised mainly of mechanized infantry. It is, together with the Armoured Battalion and the Telemark Battalion, one of three maneuver units intended for conventional, open warafare. As such, it is considered a part of the speartip of the Norwegian Army.

Training in the 2nd Battalion is intended to be as close to realistic as possible. Soldiers learn not only the basics of individual, squad-, platoon-, company- and battalion-based warfare over the course of a year, but also how to survive in the unforgiving environment that the north of Norway provides. As the battalion has its recruitment period during winter, this is particularly vital. Soldiers of the 2nd Battalion are expected to "survive to fight," not "fight to survive."

The battalion has had several international missions; in the Balkans and in Afghanistan, and has brought much experience from these missions. Moreover, the golden griffin is internationally recognized as being a hallmark of competent and professional soldiers.

The emblem, showing an upright griffin ready strike with a sword, symbolizes the battalion's vigilance and willingness to fight. The griffin itself symbolizes courage, nobility and a whole slew of other things. The motto of the 2nd is; "In hoc signo vinces," roughly meaning; "In this sign you shall be victorious," referring to the griffin and its virtues. The motto is taken from Constantine I the Great, who saw a cross in the sky and heard the same words.

This is the emblem of B Company, one of two mechanized rifle companies within the battalion, and my own unit. The emblem shows a wolverine, which you without doubt know is one of the most ferocious animals there are. Wolverines are known for defending their prey from animals that are much bigger than it, and never back down from a fight. Hence the mottot; "Viker for ingen," which roughly translates to "Yield to none."

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That'll be it for now. I'm sure I'll come up with something smart to say in a few days, but until then, you'll just have to live off of the scraps I give you.

'Sup folks?

How's it hanging, female canines?

It's been a while, but to be frank, no one really cares. If you did, you would give me all your money, and you haven't, so you clearly don't. Case solved.

Okaaaaayy... Sooo... It's a new year, andaaah.... how's that working for ya? Hm? A new decade even? Did you think about that? Well, maybe you should.

You illegitimate child.

Well, I know what I did on New Year's Eve. Kicking ass as a conférencier at a local event along with my mate Steffen. Boo-yah. I'm telling you, we rocked so hard they should've invented a time machine so we could have gone back in time and done it on New Year's Eve 2000. Cuz that would've been awesome.

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As some of you know, I'm entering military service in just a couple of days. In this very moment, I'm sitting in my sister's apartment in Oslo, chilling a bit before travelling to Sessvollmoen camp, and the north to Skjold military camp. Boo-yah.

To be fair, I think we all know that this is it. They're probably going to send me off to fight some psycho covert Neo-Soviet general with some utterly insane troops. Sure, I'll kill them easily enough, but at some point you just can't be bothered. I mean, I'll probably just wander off in search of a proper smoothie or something. Not that I really like smoothies... Actually I don't know where that came from. Bloody smoothies. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

Aaaannyway... I think I'll need to thank my mate Harry for giving me some nice, concrete advices regarding the military service. Kudos. (Which by the way is a Greek word. I'm sure Harry will be happy to tell you that - he's Greek after all. )

Well, that's all. Cheers, cigarettes.

(Don't forget; please leave your interesting and creative responses in the section below.)

Ehksmess at Noddy's

So yeah - yet another blog post initiated with "So yeah". It gets sort of repetitive, doesn't it? What if I start it with a completely random word? Okay, let's try.

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Cartridge.

Yeah, that worked like a charm, didn't it? Anyways, 'tis the season to be jolly and frolick in an overabundance of food and wrapping paper, and copious amounts of - believe it or not - snow. Holy Skateboardin' Raptor-Jesus! O.O

I'm pretty sure it hasn't snowed around Christmas Eve for the last three or four years. It's been somewhat frightening to be honest. But of course; when the snow finally arrives, it is accompanied by thunder and lightning. WTF? Who ever heard about thunder and lightning during winter? Well, these guys apparently. (Warning: Norwegian only.) Still, it's freakish and I'll have none of it thankyouverymuch.

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The Christmassy time started for me with the annual Julbord of N.U.F., which despite its name is not a neonazi paramilitary group. It's a youth's group in my native region, I swear.

Not only was it lots of fun to see so many friends again, but I and three mates finally got to screen the movie we've been working with since early summer this year. The premiere of Askeladden 4 Ever was a great success, and I'll make sure to write more about it when the time comes to release it on DVD - and by "release" I mean burn as many as possible and hand them out. :-)

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The day after, while still being sleepy, just having stepped out of the shower and not having eaten, I was Shanghaied off. You see, my neighbour and friend Nils had this sofa he was going to throw away. But then it snowed... and then he had some spare skis... and we happen to live near some pretty big fields... Obviously the only natural solution to all this was to place the skis underneath the sofa, and then put a wire between it and the car. Simply put, we were pulled around the snowclad fields in a cascade of snow. It was fun, but the true fun times only started when we came up with the idea of replacing the "enskied" sofa with a loose car hood upside-down. Suffice to say; It. Went. Fast.
Although I had to leave early to clear the driveway home of snow so that my mother could get out, I heard that none who were left remained unhurt. Poor bastards; they live on in our hearts. And wherever else they might be located.

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Speaking of Nils, we two have a tradition of giving each other presents for Christmas despite not being closely related (we're second cousins). An important part of the tradition (to me at least) is to wrap it up in such a way as to confuse the receiver of what exactly he's getting.

This year I did it in a following way;

1. Get one or two DVDs.
2. Get a bag of chips.
3. Open the bottom of the chips bag.
4. Remove some of the chips (not all).
5. Insert DVDs.
6. Close opening with glue.
7. Enjoy the superfluous chips and the image of the receivers expression when they open their present only to find a bag of chips. And then their expression when they find two DVDs in their chips bag.

So yeah, I was pretty pleased.

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On this very day though, it was Christmas Eve. It's only a few hours since I unwrapped such gifts as winter-shoes, t-shirts, socks, a toaster iron, a headband-light, and many other nice things. Thanks to all, I really liked what I got this year, no kidding. :) Also nice to know; my mom liked the scarf I bought her. Which is really the only gift I picked out myself this year.

But even more interesting was my first ever performance as Santa Claus himself. I had to leave the house and then walk up the road so that my two-and-a-half-year-old nephew could see Santa coming. I was pretty nervous; this would be the boy's first ever confrontation with a Santa, and it was my task to make it a pleasant experience. Thank God; he didn't cry. Man, he wasn't even shy. :-D Despite the fact that my mask looked like it came out from Isengard's orc-pits, the little boy was all smiles.

So that's a few extracts from my Yuletide so far. Feel free to comment and add stuff that's happened to you. I'm afraid that even after resetting my cookie cache, Blogspot won't let me comment my own blog posts, so you'll have to excuse my lack of responses.

A continued Merry Christmas to all!

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UPDATE:
Turns out my mate Nils only removed the wrapping paper to find the bag of chips... and didn't open it.
His reaction was basically;
"Uh... potato chips. Hmm, well, err... They ARE a good snack."

But I've told him to open it by now, so hopefully the world as we know it will not end. Hopefully.

People Are Bastards

For those of you not in "the know" about my day-to-day stuff, it might come as a surprise that I've worked as a cashier in a grocery store for the last six months or so. I know, I know, I did apply to NASA for going to space, saving alien planets and boning hot alien chicks, but then I realized I did that last year. Same goes for dragonslaying and all that jazz.

Anyways, Saturday was my last day behind the cash register, chained like the veritable slave I am. The clock was ticking steadily closer to 23.00, which is when we close the goddamm doors and push the bastards out - except this night was different.

As usually I watched as the last customers (aka "annoying stragglers") left for the exit, and as usual I began cleaning up around my register - which at this point in the evening is the only one still active. Then after this is done, I take a walk along the aisles to make sure there are no one left, and usually there aren't. 23:05; I see a woman squatting in front of the Christmas-department. F**k!


"Hey there, mrs. I am afraid we're going to have to close now, we're already overdue, sadly," I said. Except in Norwegian. Which by the way is awesome. It's like having a golden toilet. Yeah - every day's a privelege.

Anyway's, this woman simply stated that we had so many great tings for Christmas - to which I politely thanked - not that I really give a flying intercourse. She then said that she should be finished in a moment. I didn't really think she needed further urging, and left for my register, to clean up more stuff, like removing the cash from the lottery machine, counting receipts, closing the tobacco closet, etc. After this was done, I realized that the woman had yet to appear at the register. 23:1o; F**k.

A little trip to the candy aisle reveals here, strolling along as if she owned the place and had put an order to keep it open 24-7. Well, not on my watch. - That last sentence would have sounded more badass if not for the fact that I was a cashier, but still.
"Eh, we really have to close now. It's getting very late," I said with a nervous smile. To be honest, what I was nervous of was if I would be able to keep my hands from grabbing her throat and giving her some proper parenting; Home Simpson style. ("Why, you little!")

Again, she gave me the "Oh, but there are so many great things here!"-crap. Well, why don't you check it out DURING THE DAY!!?? HUH???? ANSWER ME THAT!!!!! I almost regret not saying it aloud.

My partner (not that kind) walked up and asked why I hadn't locked the doors and checked out. To which I replied that "There's someone left." I must admit, I wanted his reply to be; "Let's toss the twat out," but he chose the somewhat more erudite "Oh." and left to count the bread. Thanks for nothing.

Finally she was in the register - HOSANNA THANK THE LORD! - and I speedily put the stuff through, to the annoying sound of her explaining she was just buying some things for a friend as a gift. But suddenly she realized things were costing more than she had expected, and wanted to put some things in return - WHY GOD OH WHY DO YOU PUNISH ME LIKE THIS!!!



After I had done this, the woman had the nerve, the audacity, to ask if whether we had any wrapping paper and the likes; I simply shrugged and said that what's there was there. No really, at this point I honestly couldn't care less if I was coming off as brusque.

Anyway, I had stuff to do now as she was out - I logged my register off, and printed the overall receipt from the computer and stuff like that, and then left for the office to put in my numbers - trusting she wouldn't take anything while unsupervised.

Okay, so it's done, and when I return into the hall - MY PARTNER HAD SUPPLIED HER WITH WRAPPING PAPER AND GIFT BANDS!! Seriously man? Really? You Quisling! JUDAS!

23:17

She's wrapping.

23:20

She's wrapping, and excusing herself for being a "bit inconvenient".

23:25

She's wrapping still. Seriously, the Nazis were "a bit inconvenient"; this is preposterous.

23:29

SHE'S DONE!!!!!!

At this point I had honestly considered making an animal sacrifice to the Dark Gods of the Netherworld. But Billy Goat was lucky and got to live another day. Touché.

23:30

My mate Harry is asking where the hell I am, and if I'm coming to town to hang with him. At this point the whole affair behind me appeared like a bad dream, and I gave him a short resumé.

Kudos to Harry for getting me in a better mood that evening; and kudos to my work-partner who was so kind as to give a lift downtown. Thankfully restoring some of my faith in humanity, although I fear it will be forever marred.