Wedding Speech Crashers

For some reason, I came to think about the worst possible ways to open a weeding speech the other day. I'm going to rate a few of them, and then see which one you think is the best.

#1

"Dear bride and groom, this is really a special day for all of us! Jess, you've finally found the man in your life. I'm sure that even though throughout your last relationship you kept calling me in the middle of the night to come over and sleep with me, this will end with you now marrying Bob. You might be a notorious cheater that is completely incapable of staying true to a single man, But if anyone can change you it's Bob. Right?"

#2

"John! Look at you there, with your beautiful bride by your side? Who'd thought that seven years ago when you and I were doing crack and selling pot to the kids in junior high? I guess prison must've changed you. Sure, I know you've always told you in-laws you were serving abroad during that period, but I'm sure you told them the truth before wedding their daughter - right?"

#3
"Rachel! Don't marry Ted! Don't marry Teeed! I love you Rachel! Doesn't that count for anything? What about those moments we shared? Didn't those looks count for anything? I LOVE YOUUUUU!!!"

#4

"I totally just shat my pants."

#5

"Tom, as you know marry Liz, there's a thing you should know. Sure, she's got a nice rack now, but that doesn't remedy that fact that she used to be a dude. Like - with balls. I really got to hand it to you, Tom. Knowing that would freak me out and - now why are you retching?"