Wedding Speech Crashers

For some reason, I came to think about the worst possible ways to open a weeding speech the other day. I'm going to rate a few of them, and then see which one you think is the best.

#1

"Dear bride and groom, this is really a special day for all of us! Jess, you've finally found the man in your life. I'm sure that even though throughout your last relationship you kept calling me in the middle of the night to come over and sleep with me, this will end with you now marrying Bob. You might be a notorious cheater that is completely incapable of staying true to a single man, But if anyone can change you it's Bob. Right?"

#2

"John! Look at you there, with your beautiful bride by your side? Who'd thought that seven years ago when you and I were doing crack and selling pot to the kids in junior high? I guess prison must've changed you. Sure, I know you've always told you in-laws you were serving abroad during that period, but I'm sure you told them the truth before wedding their daughter - right?"

#3
"Rachel! Don't marry Ted! Don't marry Teeed! I love you Rachel! Doesn't that count for anything? What about those moments we shared? Didn't those looks count for anything? I LOVE YOUUUUU!!!"

#4

"I totally just shat my pants."

#5

"Tom, as you know marry Liz, there's a thing you should know. Sure, she's got a nice rack now, but that doesn't remedy that fact that she used to be a dude. Like - with balls. I really got to hand it to you, Tom. Knowing that would freak me out and - now why are you retching?"

MOAR LINKAGE PUH-LEEZ!

And so, on the third day, our Lord and Linker came with more pointless links from the great Intrawebz. Oh, lo' and behold, there were randoms to see for all.

- Take a gander at the picture album of the Tourist of Death. Yeah, he's been around.

- Relationshapes. Enough said.

- Apparently, this guy has had it all figured out, and we are all just too stupid to realize it, I mean, he knows How to live forever. Seriously, why aren't we all going cucumber over his stuff?

Here's a hint, it rhymes with "dwindle", and a synonym rhymes with "spam". What the man is rhymes with "brass-goal".

My man Tourettes-Timmy will today remain silent, seeing as we need to fill our Political Correctness quota.

What do you mean I lost that when I made a gimmick out of a guy with Tourette's?!

Random Linkage Week - Part 2

So, believe or not, but I'm back as I said I would be. Freaking sweet? Totally.

And boy do I have some randomities for you today;

- Internet translators and that crap ain't got nothing on our friends from the south-east Asian countries. An archive of hilarious examples of "Engrish".

- Police officers arrested for babysitting. You'd think they have more important issues to handle.

- Perpetual bubblewrap. Yeah, watch that sucker pop. POP I SAY!!!

And with the soothing sound of virtual bursting bubbles of plastic, I bid thee farewell, once again to the words of my poetic friend, Tourettes-Timmy;

The birds have fallen silFUCKFAGGOT!
'Tis the dyiCOCK! season.
I reminiBADGERVOMIT!!
Hopefully, next year will come around. ASSRIDER!


Beautiful. Well, that's all for today folks! See ya later!

It's Random Linkage Week!

So, in order to... No, actually I have no thoughts behind this. I just wanted to see if I could make an update a day for a week, and I also wanted to share some bizarre links. Well, here you go;

- Some guy has made a list of his favorite things Lady Gaga has humped.

Sheesh, makes you feel bad for these things, doesn't it?

- Some ecologic garlic farmer stops high-speed internet. Oh, the beauty of local "democracy".

- Possibly the most Pointless Toy Ever. Also, Giant Ape Juice, apparently.

Well, that's all for today folks. Hopefuly you'll be able to tune in tomorrow and find new fresh random links.

So, in the immortal words of my good friend Tourettes-Timmy; Have a goo-FUCKFUCKIT, GODDAMNITSHIT- evening!